We all have shitty relationships. The ones where you stay together for a while and neither of you are surprised when it goes down the toilet. Those happen, you both move on and they’re common-place with the likes of Tinder and Bumble permeating the lives of most 19-35 year olds. These apps allow us to meet new people and lots of them in quick succession. So therefore the chances of us having throwaway relationships and one night stands are greater than in years gone by. I have used dating apps and been on a HELL of a lot of dates that ranged from the amazing to the absolutely bat-shit crazy to some of the most awkward moments of my 28 year old life (more blog posts to follow on these lovely encounters).
EVERYONE is disposable. And what I mean by that is you can be speaking to six different people you’ve met on dating apps at once and you can just prioritise the ones you prefer. The ones who end up at the bottom of the pile? You can ghost them (yeah it’s shit but we’ve all either done it or had it done to us), you can tell them straight up that you’re no longer interested or you can simply let the conversation die a tedious and meandering death and let it peter out. The problem with this notion of everyone being expendable is that using these apps become less about dating and more like a video game where we endlessly swipe left or right.
I think these apps create a lot of bad relationships that end up down the shitter. Reason being, they don’t allow for a natural ‘getting to know each other’ process. They’re just there to enable a quick fuck and sharp exit or a few months of Netflix & chill followed swiftly by the “It’s not working” text.
I was in one of these relationships. Heck it lasted maybe four months. It was super intense and even though the girl in question did some shitty things, I’m willing to say that I was the guilty party. I acted irresponsibly, was totally immature and to be frank lost my grasp on reality. Jealousy headfucked me, I was committed and she wasn’t, she was moving to uni and I wasn’t. We were at completely different stages in our lives and it showed. I take full responsibility for everything that happened there but looking back has got me thinking about how much dating apps really do help us and how much they throw us into relationships with people that aren’t actually compatible in the long run.
One thing is for sure, apps like Tinder allow us to converse and meet up with new and exciting people. They are undoubtedly addictive. You swipe away, forgetting that you’ve been doing it for twenty minutes and your tea’s gone cold. Your house could be ablaze and you wouldn’t notice because you can’t stop staring at that fucking screen. There’s blondes, brunettes, goth girls, polyamorous girls, girls that could eat you for breakfast and have a second helping, all manner of girls to chat to. And there is something engrossing about it, you browse a profile and it screams “I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU” or “ABORT ABORT” and you move along to the next. It opens your eyes up to the possibility of meeting someone who you wouldn’t normally meet and that is exciting.
One of the most interesting studies of Tinder came from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology who surveyed 269 Norwegian uni students who were former or current Tinder users regarding their experiences using the dating app. These were their findings:
Only 54 participants reported engaging in one-night stands following Tinder use and the majority of them had only experienced this once. Of the entire sample, 80% did not achieve any sexual encounter thanks to Tinder and 13% achieved only one. Only 3% achieved two sexual encounters and 4% achieved more than two. “Hook, Line and Sinker: Do Tinder Matches and Meet Ups Lead to One-Night Stands?” was authored by Trond Viggo Grøntvedt, Mons Bendixen, Ernst O. Botnen, and Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair.
I think most people would find this surprising as we have the pre-conceived notion that Tinder is all about the hook-ups and one night stands. From my experience when I used it, I actually found it to be super boring at times and the conversations to be largely uninteresting. You might start up a conversation and ask questions about music or films or whatever and I would say 90% of the time, the conversation either drifts or one of you gets bored and stops replying. I’ve had it plenty where you think you’re having a cracking conversation about Tarantino films and Pop-Punk music and you’re on the verge of asking for the girl’s number and then the conversation just perishes. It’s slightly baffling and upsetting for a while and you question yourself, your profile photos and the types of responses. Maybe I used the word lol and she hated it, maybe she realised I have no hair, maybe she was only having the conversation in the first place because she was bored and now there’s another more interesting guy that’s come along. It happens!
“Hey, how’s you?” is a message that impresses no one. However if a profile isn’t filled in and you like the look of the person in question then where else do you begin? I remember I used to ask things like “If you were hosting your dream dinner party, who would your 3 ideal guests be?”. But the level of absolute cringe in this probe is off the wall. Cheesy chat up lines have never been my thing, in fact they repel me. Though I do know guys who use them as a starting point. It’s a tricky concept, you’re trying to catch someone’s attention who doesn’t have to respond to you and so even though dating apps are brilliant for chatting to people, they can also crush your confidence and weird sense of pride.
I’m not sure how dating apps have coped in lockdown, I would imagine they have thrived. We’re all craving human interaction more than ever now and apps like Tinder and Bumble should be full to the brim with people needing fulfilment in the form of a swipe. People can be super touchy on them too, I remember once that I hadn’t replied to a girl who had sent me the dreaded “How’s you?” and soon got a follow up in the form of a one word message: “Ignorant!”.
This clearly shows that some of us need to feel liked and need to feel worthy of a reply. But in the age of ghosting and endlessly swiping, it’s hard to please everyone. In a buffet, you wouldn’t just pick one spring roll, set it down on your plate and sit down – you’d sample a whole host of cuisine on display.