So I figured I’d come back to this blog. To be honest I’d completely forgotten about it. Not because I have a super busy social life or too much on my plate but because like a lot of things in my life I put it on the back burner and moved on to other things.
Aside from being in quarantine due to COVID-19, I’ve been writing quite a bit. I finished an 83 page film script as well as a TV drama pilot. I’m super happy with both. I’m actually happy full stop, or ‘period’ as our American cousins might spout.
Heck I could shift a few pounds and I get anxiety from time to time but things are going well and I intend to keep it that way. Now before I go on, I’m aware how much of a self-centred blog post this is going to be but bear with me. The idea of a blog is pretty much a self-involved pastime anyway right? I mean, who is this for? We type words and they just get swallowed up into the void and people either read it or they don’t. With that being said, this blog is more for myself and as someone who has never bothered spilling their emotions and everyday thoughts into a diary, I guess this serves that very purpose.
So then. Happiness. There’s a word with a fuck load of baggage. Let’s not get into how we measure our happiness but what I’ve realised about myself over this period of isolation is that my own sense of ‘happy’ changes all the time. Here’s an example: In March just before lockdown I passed my driving test. This week I’ve bought my first car. I’d been waiting for this moment for ages and I am super duper excited to pick it up tomorrow. I know I’m happy and I know I’m excited but I’m not jumping for joy or celebrating. It’s more of a “Okay, that goal has been completed, what’s next?”.
I’m not sure if the “what’s next?” attitude is a good one to have. I’m a teacher but not particularly happy in my job and I’m going to start a Masters next year in order to leave the career to work in the Media industry. So maybe the “what’s next?” tactic is good for me in career terms. But if I’m being honest with myself here, this attitude has seriously plagued me in the past.
Previous relationships have suffered because after the initial excitement and spark, I’ve lost the dynamism and fun because the delirium of a new and sparkling relationship has lost its magic. So maybe in my personal life, the act of learning to accept the stable and the status quo is a useful thing, as opposed to searching out something new constantly.
I’ve also constantly found myself thinking about friends. Now I have a small circle of friends, I have my three best mates, my work friends, other people I can count on like people from uni, an Irish guy who I’m really close with but works abroad and others. I am absolutely happy with my friends but I always question everything in regards to these relationships. “Should I see them more?, “Why haven’t they replied to me?”, “I make more effort than they do and that bothers me” are all things that regularly crop up with me in relation to friendship.
However the way in which I think I’ve dealt with this form of over-thinking (which I’m convinced most people consciously or unconsciously go through) is by accepting that people in their 20s and 30s are busy, they work, they have families and the need for constant interaction isn’t there. That security has made me feel so much better. The feeling that if someone wants to hang out or chat then they can reach you but they don’t need to always be doing it, it’s very liberating. It takes maturity to reach that level of satisfaction. Being in lockdown actually helped, weekly quizzes over zoom and people keeping in touch when needed. I think I was (and maybe still am to a degree) addicted to social contact and social media.
This realisation that I needed to be speaking to someone or in contact was important to me. I deactivated Facebook a while back and holy fuck was it the right decision. Now I spend my free time (which I’ve had lots of) actually reading, painting and writing. As well as this I watch a shit ton of films. I still probably spend too much time scrolling on Twitter and Instagram but the worry and the anxiety of using Facebook all the time has evaporated.
So these days when I start to get angsty or agitated about friends or about family I just stop myself and realise how fucking happy I am and how lucky I am to have so many beautiful and caring people in my life. Like I said, this is an awfully self involved blog post but I think it’s necessary as a starting point and I’m going to cover a whole number of other topics like dating, relationships, guilt, sex and any other juicy material I can recall.
And if you’re like me and are constantly asking yourself “what’s next?” then do us both a favour and crack open a bottle of wine and appreciate the now.